It’s 2012 and I’m continually struck by how fast things change.
For me, 2011 was a year of ups and downs. The first half of the year saw a very precious relationship deteriorate faster than I ever could have imagined, but was followed by a season of growth, music, creativity and soul-searching. There are things that brought happiness and even more that brought about growing pains and heartache.
2011 seems ever-present to me right now. Nothing sums up this fact better than when I found out that the person, with whom my relationship fell apart, is now engaged. Words don’t even come to mind to describe the range of emotions that I experienced upon receipt of this news. Anger, hurt, relief, happiness, sadness, and general melancholia.
The best way I can convey what I feel about the situation now is a new term that I’m learning to love, “bright sadness.”
I first heard the term “bright sadness” at the end of 2011. It comes from the Eastern Orthodox Christian tradition to describe the season of Lent. It is simply a season of grief that ends with a great and happy celebration. The season of lent Lent, the “sadness” portion, is a time of mourning and grief over the impending death of Christ. It’s capped off by “bright” Easter where Christ returned from the dead.
No, I’m not comparing a breakup to the death and resurrection of Christ, but merely taking the term to show my progression throughout the last year. At first I was heartbroken and stunned, then I did whatever I could to move on. This was simply a mask for the grief, or “sadness”, that I didn’t want other people to see. It was a front for piece of me that wasn’t mended yet.
Fast forward to now, the “bright” portion where I’ve realized that things are better off this way. I’ve met truly amazing people on this journey that I wouldn’t have if things would have continued in the relationship. Plus there’s the fact that she’s happier now than I could have hoped to make her.
Sure there are days that I wish it would’ve worked out, but I’m not the kind to start looking back. It was Oscar Wilde who said, “No man is rich enough to buy back his past,” and I’m pretty sure he’s right. As much as I kicked and screamed through 2011, I know that this year is going to be better because it has to be. No more looking back.
There’s good thing on the horizon and I’m intent on finding more of the “bright sadness” in life. After all, if things were good all the time, we’d never appreciate life. It’s in those moments of heartache and despair that we realize how beautiful life is.
